Scrabbling upward

Back again. I know, two days in a row! Shocking, but a blessing to all those reading.

Only joking.

The last couple of days have been challenging, to say the least. I've been trying to fight the hit on my self-esteem that losing out on this job is dealing me. Brain-wise, I know perfectly well that the job fell through because of budget issues, but that otherwise I had it in the bag. That is comforting, but it doesn't help the old concept that I am supposed to be providing for my family and that I just can't seem to do it.

Doubts and stuff keep resurfacing. Should I have just stuck out the MA in TESOL program? Why didn't we just stay in Alaska and stay afloat up there, particularly since this year's dividend is something in the neighborhood of $3000! Maybe we should have not done the whole QuitandWrite thing and just stayed at the teaching. I mean, there's no doubt that if we had refinanced this house to take out a bunch of the equity, and then re-invested that cash into another property, we would be better off financially.

Arg. Why can't I be like the Last Unicorn and not be able to have regrets?

Then there's my certainty that The Cabin is going to sell, and then do really well. But that's going to take time. And then if it doesn't even happen, clearly I just suck.

Which I don't think is the case.

So now I've signed up to teach two writing classes at BYU's English Language Center. That's a semester-long commitment, so I will put the full-time job search on hold. I've also started prospecting for more freelance work via www.getafreelancer.com. Then there's the work I'm doing for a friend, who runs www.schooltipline.com.

Scrabbling upward. Got to keep afloat and keep the dream alive.

Sometimes (read: often) I find myself thinking that the cosmos (read: God in His Heaven) is telling me that I'm not really ever supposed to get tied up in a regular 8-5 job. If that's the case, and if we're supposed to just continue on our atypical path, that's fine. But we need to have some of these outside the box things come through.

Blech. I'll stop with the moroseness.

I wrote three articles for Helium today. One is for the Marketplace, and if it gets picked up, that's a pretty good paycheck for an article. Incidentally, I'm making upward of $50 each month on Helium, without really doing anything for the last few months. Not a terrible residual.

I'll be picking up The Cabin again probably in another week. I need to get settled in at the ELC again.

Carpe somnium, dudes.